mercredi 2 avril 2008



Firstly, it is important to understand that: lucky opportunities only exist within the framework of relationships that you create in society.

Imagine, for example, that following a catastrophe, humanity all disappeared except for one man. The issue of luck will not be important for him and all of his hopes will be focused on getting food and surviving in good health, without physical pain!

If luck brought him some other people who also escaped the cataclysm, then luck will start to bother him again: being accepted by the group, having a purpose, having a fair share that he needs to counter the greed of others….

It is useful to emphasise: bad luck, failure or obstructions, annoyances and reversals of fortune come primarily from a bad attitude to social life. It is obvious, to take just one example, that how useful someone is to a group that they are in, will determine their luck to a great degree.

It is one of the reasons why it is imperative to recognise your need for other people. To deny this need is like being isolated from society, losing the advantages and benefits that come from relationships with others, whether they are commercial, professional, friendships or any other.

What’s more, don’t we usually say, quite rightly, “unity is strength”? In most cases, the best way to improve our luck and success is to cultivate interesting, useful and advantageous relationships.

So it is wise to discover how to change your behaviour to expand your relationships: join groups and clubs, become a member of professional or cultural associations, go on holiday with groups, etc.

It is also desirable to improve your “technique” in relationships: to let others speak, to take a sincere interest in them, to learn how to listen to other people, to overcome your worries, to master communication, to not open yourself up, to be discrete, to become a sympathetic confident of many people….

Many people think that it is difficult to master the art of relationships… in truth, it is enough to know the rules that govern them... By following the advice given in these pages, you will soon be able to be at ease in any company and in any situation to make the most of relationships that you will know how to create.


Social life must happen through communication. We can’t help communicating: even silence has a meaning. In one way or another, communication always ends up happening.

It seems obvious that the way of communicating depends greatly on the type of relationship that we have with others. And our quality of life depends a lot on the quality of our relationships with others, whether we are talking about love, work, finances, health, travel, studies, etc
How many people fail in life because they cannot communicate? How many people spend their time endlessly talking about “me, me, me” without realising that the person they are speaking jeers at what they say, because they would also like to talk a bit about themselves?

Making ourselves understood depends on the way we communicate. And if we do not get our message across clearly, it is up to us to change the way we communicate. The “resistance” of people we speak to then become a sign that we need to communicate “differently”.

In fact, communication has its own “philosophy” and its own rules, generally reinforced by experience.

First of all, you should know that each one of us has in our head not reality, but a map of reality – for convenience, let’s call it a “World View”. We collect and process data coming from the world through our senses (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste).

Why talk about a “View”? Because just like a view or picture of London is not London, but a representation of that city, so our “World View” – what we have in our head – is not reality, but a representation of reality.

In other words, we do not react to reality, but according to representations of reality, representations that are “built” according to our own personal life story, according to the conditions we have lived in, the time, the place where we grew up, etc.

Not everything that we have in our head has come through our eyes, our nose, our ears, our skin and our mouth. There is also extra information concerning our body, our desires, our emotions and feelings, our needs and intentions, which are generally transmitted by a combination of subtle internal physical sensations, called kinaesthetic sensations.

They act as a great mass of agreeable or disagreeable sensations, generally expressed by words that play an important role in our experiences – and thus in the building of our representations of things, in the building of our World View.

All this tends to complicate communication because each of us has our own World View. In fact, we look at life as if we wear a pair of “mental glasses”: in good faith. We all believe that we can “see” or grasp life “as it really is”, perfectly objectively! Some argue with others more or less often about the “correct perception” and the “bad faith” of the other….

A simple example will enable you to understand what we are talking about. A man asks three workmen: “What are you doing?”

I am digging a hole, the first answers.
I’m earning a crust, the second answers
I am building a cathedral, the third answers.

Here’s a clear illustration that each workman has his own World View, different from that of the other two.

In the various situations we find ourselves in, we are all convinced that our own view of the world is the right one. Where does this great misunderstanding come from? Essentially it is difficult for people to admit that it is not easy for our minds to grasp reality, and consequently that words are not the best way to describe many aspects.

It follows that communications is to some extent undermined by different types of unconscious reactions on the part of the people you are speaking to. Among these reactions, we could mention generalisation, which tends to restrict reality, or distortion, which makes us transform reality, or even selective filters that make it possible to retain certain aspects of our experiences and to eliminate others (to save space in the memory, to avoid painful memories, etc)

Note that more than 90% of people are not very conscious of what they choose! Are you well aware yourself of the way you communicate?

For example: What pieces of information do you select? What strategies do you favour? What emotions do you “block”? Do you communicate the way you were taught? Is your communication a way to show yourself off? Do you always learn a lesson from your communication? Are you natural and authentic when you communicate? And so on

Now you understand why, as language is the most used way of communicating socially, verbal communication is largely prone to all sorts of misunderstandings, mistakes and confusion.

To overcome these problems, all you have to do is follow some simple rules. The rules that I will explain to you will ensure that you communicate in a beneficial and satisfactory way. They are used by the biggest names in the world, and they have been proved reliable on many occasions. All they ask of you is a little willpower and attentiveness.


School teaches us how to calculate the nth root of pi to three decimals places. But it does not teach us how to behave properly in company. We are embarrassed and lost for words when we need to solve relationship problems at work, between friends or couples…

A well-known psychologist said: “Any fool can criticise, condemn or complain. But we need personality and control to be understanding and be able to forgive.”

Does that make you think of someone? Someone close to you… or perhaps yourself!

Every time one of those close to us does something a little out of line, we are all critical. In the long run, this criticism completely destroys that person’s self-confidence.

For example, if at a meeting someone is late and is given a real roasting (especially in front of others), they will be upset and no good will come of it. On the other hand, if he is given a good reputation, for example by someone saying to everyone: “So-and-so is extraordinarily punctual, he is always on time”, it might be wrong at first, but that person will make an effort – and this works. I have tested it personally more than once. In the past, I always thought badly of people, thought I was “top of the pile”, to be able to criticise what everyone else did. I realised that this was mean.

Use the following rules that will enable you to better understand people you speak to and so communicate better. Some of the following points will help you to radically transform the tense contacts that you could have with other people.

· Perception of things

To communicate in an effective way, you must understand that every person perceives the world in a different way. The first rule: always keep in mind that the “Map of the World” of the person you are speaking to may not be the same as yours. By following this guiding principle, you will approach the relationship with a spirit of openness, to keep benevolent neutrality. Consequently communication has every chance of being profitable, because it is built on respectful and tolerant exchange.

· Really take an interest in others

Generally, the people who succeed and are happy take an interest in other people. When someone speaks to you about themselves, their family, their health, their troubles, avoid appearing as disinterested or bored. Don’t start talking about yourself, or else you show a lack of respect and interest in the other person. To behave this way towards other people damages success, and also creates important situations that at first seem trivial.

Learn how to listen to others. Most people need to tell their story to feel happy. Based on this principle, if you want to be appreciated by someone you are talking to, you will have to listen to him or her much more than talk to him or her.

Be sociable: speak to others about what interest them, encourage the others to speak about themselves, make them feel important – and do it sincerely. Surely you know that people who speak easily to everybody, they always have something to say to the bus driver, taxi driver, to the girl in the bakery, the dog or cat in the restaurant, the café owner, the tour guide, a teacher or lecturer. Some say that people like this are devious. Not at all. These people have a very well developed social sense and this helps them to automatically be in tune with the people they speak to, whatever the situation.

The great psychologist Adler said: “The individual who is not interested in his fellow man is the person who will meet the greatest difficulties in life and harms other most.”

Also, when you meet a person who is too tired to give you a smile, smile at them yourself. Because no one needs a smile more than someone has nothing more to give.
In addition, the name of a person is very important. Getting it wrong is the best way to make an enemy of someone. To remember it is the best way of making a friend. Communicating well means being honestly interested in others and putting yourself in their shoes and not to see things only from your own viewpoint.

· Be "listening"

I want to emphasise this point: the art of communication comes from listening.

Listening to others is a service that you can perform for them. Nowadays, no one really listens any more, and if you give your time and listen to people you are speaking to or to those you love, you are giving them one of the most beautiful gifts there is.

Try it, and you will realise that people are very sensitive to this and will return your kindness one hundredfold!

Moreover, the fact that you listen, you are receptive and open enables you to better understand other people, to be on the same wavelength as them, and this will be true even if you disagree. Don’t attack them because they don’t share your views. Accept the opinions of others and remain open. You have the absolute right to have your own opinions, but that doesn’t mean that you have the truth. Remember that each one of us has our own truth…. Or rather our own interpretation of the truth. Yours is no better than your neighbour’s. So respect the opinions or “truths” of others.

· Don’t criticise

Here’s a golden rule that you should never break, under pain of “scuttling” communication! Understand that 99 percent of people judge themselves innocent whatever their faults. So it is useless to judge and criticise others on their actions. Communicating well implies not criticising, condemning or complaining.

Today we live in the communication age. However, paradoxically, human relationships have never been so cold. Relationships have become “remote”, because of the use of tools that depersonalise communication: the phone, fax, email and other electronic communications.

The majority of people don’t know how to communicate: they burp, grumble, insult, they spit out their words and phrases without any respect for the person they are addressing. This can’t be called communication, but rather an “exchange of aggression”.

Rather than be concerned with what enters our mouths, we should watch more carefully what leaves them.

Be conscious that every word releases a particular energy, depending on what you think when you say it. What is important is not the word, but the “thought energy” that accompanies it. Different people can speak the same word, but each could have a different effect.

You must become aware of your thoughts and what you feel when you speak, in order not to thrust anything onto the person you speak to. Very often, people are not clear in their communication, because there is too great a gap between what they say and what they think, leading to all sorts of misunderstandings.

So it is important that you are conscious of every word that you say, and to do that, you must speak slowly.

Only people with a low level of consciousness allow themselves to always be critical and judgmental. If you don’t like something, say simply and calmly, “I don’t like that or that is not appropriate for me” or “that doesn’t interest me”.

But don’t say: “It’s lousy or it’s false”, because everything has its place in the universe, or else it would not exist. It’s not up to you to say whether something is fair or not; don’t think you are something you’re not, namely an omnipotent God!

I’m sure you will already have noticed this: when you are full of compassion, respect, tolerance, you do not feel like criticising or demolishing the person who disagrees with you, nor focus on this opinion or that ideology. Understand that you are not here for that, but simply determine what is right for you, for your development, and the rest is not pointless, but is just not appropriate to you.

One more thing: when you communicate, try to drop the trivia as much as possible. Remain quiet rather than say just anything. Silent communication is certainly a difficult art, but it is very powerful.

A lot of energy can pass in silence. So, you can pass on all the love you have: you can express your inner peace much more easily; you can concentrate on enlightening thoughts that will offer to others.

It isn’t by chance that spiritual masters often communicate in silence, because silence is much more powerful than words. In silence, energy is passed in a pure state without the mental state of the person you are communicating with being able to interpret what you say. Silence is more than mental.

For example, when two people are in the same energy and they have a radiant love for each other, their communication becomes almost telepathic. Telepathy is a form of spiritual communication by which two people feel the same energy; they are both immersed in an unconditional love. Beyond words, the magic of love transports themselves on the wings of communion.

Communication is an exchange and not a battle, so renounce criticism and rumour mongering from your discussions. Believe me, you will only gain advantages from the conversations; you will avoid controversy or conflict… which is the best way of coming out of them successfully.

Conversely, if in the heat of conversation the person you are speaking to criticise you, don’t react immediately by taking it personally. Even if this criticism of you has a certain basis in fact, don’t take it as a personal attack.

What’s happening in fact?
Most of the time, the person you are talking to is confronted with his own feelings, beliefs and opinions. He tries to send “emotional poison” in order to unsettle you, but actually he does nothing more than consciously projects onto you his own resentment.

If you take it personally, you feel offended and your reaction will be to defend your opinions, which is likely to cause conflict. Don’t try to show that you are right, by imposing your views and by finding fault in others. Instead show flexibility, skill or compassion; turn the conversation to another subject, change the argument, etc… in short, show you are better than the other person and control the communication.

Here’s a fable that teaches an important principle in communication: it pays to give compliments.

After a long day’s work, a farmer put in front of his farm workers a large pile of hay, as a supper. The men asked him angrily if he had lost his mind, and he answered:

"How could I know that you’d spot the difference? I’ve fed you for twenty years. And in all that time, you’ve only ever said to me once that you don’t eat hay!"

Communicating well implies complimenting people honestly and sincerely. In general, it is much less painful to hear negative remarks after a compliment on our qualities or those of the person you are speaking to.

· Be attentive

Developing your faculty for listening means being receptive and keeping an open kind. Life presents each of us with many lessons that will be of no use if we are not broadminded.

In addition, being attentive supposes that you know how to profit from messages that reach you from people you are speaking to, verbally or through other means. Indeed, you can be very receptive to what someone says to you, without at the same time being able to “decode” the information (verbal, visual, smells, sounds, kinaesthetic…) delivered during the conversation. To carefully analyse information that people send out, it is necessary to be attentive!

Perhaps you know the story of the very pious man who had an unlimited confidence in God. He spent every day in prayer and he was certain that, if something unwelcome happened to him, the Lord would help him.

One day, it started to rain. This man’s village was flooded, and everyone rushed for get under cover. Neighbours passed very close to his home in their cars and urged him to go with them.

- The Lord will save me, he answered.

The rain continued to fall, and the water level rose so high that the man went up to the first floor of his house. A boat passed by his home, and the occupants urged him to get on broad. But again he answered:

- No, thank you. The Lord will save me.

The floodwaters kept rising, and the man had to take shelter on the roof of his house to take shelter. A helicopter flew over and the pilot yelled:

- I’ll throw down a rope and I’ll pull you up inside.

- That’s very nice of you, the pious man said to the pilot, but the Lord is ready to help me. God will do what He needs to do to save me.

In a few minutes, the water level passed the top of the houses, and the man was washed away and drowned. He arrived in heaven and when God, who was meeting the newcomers, saw him, he was very surprised.

- What are you doing here? Your time hasn’t come yet.

Then the man said to God:

- I believed in you, I believed that you would come to save me. I waited and you didn’t come. What happened?

And God replied:

- I sent you a car, a boat and even a helicopter. What more do you want?

The moral of the story is that you have to pay attention to messages that you receive and don’t force them to give you the signals that you are waiting for.

You should know that communication doesn’t solve everything: it’s understanding the messages that enrich our relationships with others, and a lack of understanding poisons them.

For example: how many times after you have argued with someone dear to you have you found that the disagreement came from a simple misunderstanding? The better we know each other, the more we grow to understand each other. However, it’s not unusual to misunderstand the intentions or words of others.

Most tension and poor communication comes from misunderstanding. To avoid them, it is right that you make an effort to communicate, but your efforts will only be really effective if you aim to create understanding.

This understanding happens on several levels:

- Understanding yourself and others better.

- Understanding that men and women react differently to stress.

- Understanding the emotions or feelings underlay the reactions of others.

- Accepting that appearances can be misleading (for example: when someone shrugs their shoulders at you, this might not have the same meaning for them as it does for you).

- Accepting that what might be simple for you to say might be different for others.

- Accepting that certain words that might seem comforting could actually be hurtful for the other person.

- Accepting that what is good for you is not certain to be good for others.

Not forgetting that through their World View, others speak a “different language”, even if it sounds a bit like yours.

· Other people are a mirror for yourself

Please think about this fundamental truth:

If you like or you hate something in someone else, then you like or hate it in yourself.

This is the conclusion of several teams of social science experts (psychologists, sociologists, neurologists, philosophers….) during experiments bringing together many social and economic classes, from tests carried out over several years.

You get a first impression when you meet someone for the first time. You decide in an instant whether you like the person or not. You decide through tiny details, such as their perfume or the colour of their eyes, or by recollections from your own unconscious memories.

In fact, the reactions that we have to other people are a barometer for the way that we see ourselves. They say much more about us than the other person. If we like or hate something in the other person, it’s because we like or hate it in ourselves.

People are spontaneously attracted to people who are like themselves and instinctively reject people who are different. We judge others through our own experiences, our feelings and our beliefs. Despite that, we are convinced that we are perfectly objective, because we usually remain fixed to our own World View.

However, try to imagine that people who you meet will, like a mirror, give you back very important information. If you accept this principle, every new meeting will give you the opportunity to understand yourself better and develop your knowledge.

Suppose for a moment that qualities that you admire in others – their energy, their talents – are in fact the characteristics that you want in yourself. Doesn’t this illuminate your idea of your own worth?

In the same way, you can think of people you don’t like as “gifts”, because they highlight the things that you don’t like in yourself. Every time that you are annoyed, hurt or irritated by someone else, think that you have the chance to pay them back for a forgotten episode of anger, sorrow or irritation.

Being able to distinguish weaknesses in others allows you the compassion to put your arm round them, and perhaps gives you the opportunity to soften your damning judgement of yourself too. If you do this, it also becomes possible to consider people who approach you as mirrors on yourself, whether they are people you like or people you don’t like.

In this way, you will be able to discern your own qualities, but also the aspects of your own personality that you don’t like. The point of this rule is to move from judging to exploring your own personality. To do this, you need to be able to evaluate all the decisions, judgements and projections that you make about others, and look at these things as revealing clues to allow you to “cure” your own weaknesses and to gain your own integrity.

Absorbing the lessons learnt from following this rule, you will develop more tolerance, open-mindedness, compassion, the ability to listen, and you will take a decisive step towards very profitable communication.

· The magic of a good impression

You are digging. If the spade is put in properly, you will remove a good shovelful. You are swimming. It’s the push off the wall that propels you down the pool. You are writing. The quality of your story depends on the first paragraph.

A good first impression has always helped the people who knew how to make the most of it.

When we meet people for the first time, it is our clothes rather than our personality that makes the strongest impression. What we wear makes a good or bad impression, and illustrates our character and social position.

The right clothes mean Strength, Power. You must make a good impression on the world if you want to make a success of your social relationships…. And to even create miracles. It’s a fact that the world judges you according to the clothes that you wear and treats you accordingly.

Presenting yourself badly attracts a feeling of mistrust from others; a poor appearance does not just indicate a lack of care, but even a depressed and morbid state of mind. Learn how to impress people you meet by your immaculate appearance.

That’s life: those who have will be given more – so “pretend” to have things. Act as if you are a success, have great self-assurance and self-confidence. Beautiful new clothes have a “magical” effect on the way we carry ourselves, and give their wearer the feeling of success and self-esteem.

Look at nature: the peacock does not spread its tail to disturb its neighbours and the lion does not bristle its mane out of animosity – these are nature’s ways of expressing their majesty, to make a good impression.

If you want to attract influential, benevolent and protective relationships, if you want to rely on the support of people around you, then you need to appear to be a success before you actually are one. For example, you can wear things that suggest wealth or luxury: gold, silk, etc. Also take care of your appearance, your skin, your hands (hands tell us a lot about someone), and your hairstyle….

Always keep in mind that the impression that you make on others is very important: your luck depends mainly on what others think of you.

· The tricks that make communication easier

Recognise faults: Everyone can deny that they are wrong. Only great people are capable of admitting that they are wrong. Communicating well means admitting your faults, promptly and sincerely.

Speak vigorously: Taking the eyes and seizing the imagination of others means you have more chance to convince them.

Speak indirectly: If you have to point out errors or faults in others, it’s best to do it in an indirect way so that you don’t hurt their feelings. It is also good to mention your own mistakes before those of others… you must always give others the chance to save face.

The theory of three Yes’s: There’s a theory, proved many times, that if you manage to get someone you are speaking to, to say “yes” twice, the third time they will always say “yes”. So to get someone to admit something, it’s useful to ask two easier questions that the other person must answer “yes” and then ask the third question that is so important to you.

In a similar way: to get your ideas accepted, it is sometimes useful to make the other person believe that the idea came from them …